Rangeman and Labour Don't Mix
by TheGirlAllTheBadBoysWant
Summary: How does Rangeman deal with labour? Rated Teen, content not suitable for children under thirteen.


_I do not own any character's or their persona's. I simply use the Janet Evanovich books to create my own world with the already owned books. I only wish I had thought of this first and was profiting from it. I'll return all characters sometime soon, with little to no damage._

**I haven't abondened "Of Batman and Indescion." I was feeding my son his baby cereal this morning and talking to my sister, when an idea hit me. When I had my son, for some weird reason, my fiance decided to tape it. Well, my sister being the weirdo she is, decided to watch it. She was proclaiming her reactions to natural labour - drug free and no crying, thank you very much - when I wondered about some other people in labour situations. On a side note, I used a lot of reactions from my fiance, who is also an "alpha male," for Ranger.**

It was around one in the afternoon when I started to feel wierd pains during my nap. I was attempting to sleep through a weird back ache. My name is Stephanie Plum, and I am thirty seven weeks pregnant today. The father is Carlos, who just happens to be the scariest man I've ever met in my life. At least the baby will be safe. Meanwhile, I decided to wait out the back aches and went to the kitchen to grab a cup of juice.

Within two hours the pains were getting worse. I wasn't sure if this was true labour or not. I decided I better find my mountain of pregnancy phamplets and decide. I spent the better part of ten minutes rammaging through pregnancy phamplets, I guess when you're pregnant doctors think you got nothing better to do but read phamplets anyway. When I finally found the one I wanted I sighed in relief.

"When entering real labour," I read aloud, "You're contractions will be moderetly strong and regularly every three to five minutes."

Hm, I thought, well they're moderatly strong in my books. I started timing them. Two minutes, three minutes, two minutes, five minutes... Okay, not regular yet, but definatly close together.

I picked up the phone to warn Ranger.

Ranger picked up on the second ring, "Yo."

"Just to let you know," I said, "It's starting."

"Babe, I'm sending Tank to take you to the hospital," Ranger sounded slightly panicked, "I can't get to you right now, but I'll meet you at the hospital soon."

I rolled my eyes, "Ranger it's not like -"

That jerk disconnected me. Okay, well, I guess I'll go to the hospital early then, and Ranger can deal with the nurses when they mock us for showing up hours before delivery.

Tank showed up five minutes later and was huffing and puffing by the time he reached me. I guess Rangeman had never handled "Operation Labour" before.

I put my hands on Tanks arm, "Relax. I'm okay. It's to soon to go to the hospital anyway."

Tank shook his head, "My orders were to take you to the hospital immediatly. We're going now."

"It's okay," I sighed, "Everything will take forever to progress. I'm waiting here."

"Cut me some slack, hun. Ranger demanded I get you safetly to the hospital immediatly. He used threats I've never heard before," Tank touched my arm, "He's really scary, Steph."

I sighed again, "Just let me grab the overnight bag."

I went into Ranger and my bedroom - I like the sound of that. Let me say it one more time. Ranger and my bedroom. - and grabbed the duffel bag from the corner. Baby's outfit, check. Slippers, check. Blanket, check. Car seat, Ranger's truck. Change of clothes, check. Discman, check. Music CD's, check. Diapers and diaper stuff, check. List of information and contacts, check. Baby's first stuffed animal, baby's first stuffed animal...

"Tank!" I screamed.

Tank came into the bedroom running, "What? What is it?"

"I can't find babies first stuffed animal," I was close to tears.

"Fuck, okay. Relax Bombshell. Please don't cry," he tried to offer comfort as he began tearing the room apart, "Hold on gorgeous," he grabbed his radio from his side, "Santos, Hal, Code Red. Code Red."

About ten seconds more of ripping the room apart before I heard slamming at the door and Santos and Hal came running.

"What's wrong?" They both asked at the same time.

Tank looked distraught, "Can't find baby stuffy. Must find immediatly."

The boys split up and began ransacking the house. I heard Tank's radio go off.

"Tank," Ranger's voice came over, "Report. Now!"

"Case of a missing stuffy," Tank said, "Dealing with problem immediatly."

Ranger's voice came back, "Find the god damn stuffy and get Steph to the hospital now!"

I sighed. Next time I'm going into labour I'm calling Lula, she'd be easier to handle then Ranger and the merry men right now. I had barely got over the thought when I was being hauled by the wrist by Santos.

I placed my feet down hard, "Not until we find the babies first stuffy."

Santos smiled, "Hal's got it, gorgeous. We got to go now."

The place was trashed. It looked like a drug bust. My tears started to well up, "Oh no! Who's going to fix the house? I can't bring baby back to a messy house."

Hal pushed me along, "Ella's already been called. She's on her way."

We were in the hospital five minutes later and I was laying on the bed hooked up to the contaction moniter. Hal and Santos had already left and Tank was at my side.

I looked at Tank, "You don't need to be here."

"Sorry. My direct oders were not to leave your side until Ranger arrived. Even if that meant delivering the baby myself."

The nurse was attending to me looked up, startled, "The doctor will do that, Sir."

"Whatever is needed is needed," Tank said honestly.

I guess the merry men were serious about never breaking orders.

I drifted back into my pillow and fought off another moderate contraction.

The nurse looked at me and placed her hand on my stomach, "I'm going to check to see how far dilated you are, you're contractions are rather strong."

Tank was squirming in the corner. The nurse did her check and smiled, "Four centimeters, dear."

She walked out of the room and I noticed Tank had his head lowered.

I giggled slightly, "Did that turn you on?"

"No maam," Tank obviously lied, ashamed, "Never ma'am."

"Did what turn you on, Tank?" I heard Ranger's voice booming with panic, anticipation, and maybe slight annoyance at Tank.

"Nothing sir," Tank said, "Am I free to my normal duties?"

Ranger nodded his hand at Tank and approached my bedside to grab my hand, "Hey Babe. How you holding up?"

I nodded my head at him and gave him a weak smile.

Ranger sighed, "In some deep pain, huh? Don't worry I'll fix it," I went into the hallway and I could hear him booming at the nurses, "What's taking so long with some drugs? Someone give this woman some drugs!"

"Ranger," I called from my bedside, "It's okay. I don't want drugs, honestly."

Ranger smiled at me, "You're so tough. All the boys are worried about you. I promised they could come see the baby as soon as you were able. It's going to be okay, babe. I'm right here. So, have you decided what to name the baby?"

I contemplated for a moment, "If it's a girl, Summer Ella Manso."

Ranger beemed, "And a boy," he said, "Will be Jacob Carlos Manso."

I beemed back, and a nurse came rushing in with a needle.

"What the hell?" Ranger turned on her, "You think we're raising a stoner here? Get the drugs away from Steph. Yeesh, stupid hospital can't even handle some simple instructions," he smiled at me, "You get some rest babe. We have a long night in front of us."

I slipped in and out of sleep with contractions for the rest of the night. At six in the morning I came awake moaning. I must have entered transion phase, I thought, because I hurt like hell! It felt like someone was ripping my insides apart.

I gasped at the strength of one contraction, "Ranger!"

"I'm right here," Ranger said, "Stupid contractions. I'm not used to this Steph, normally I banish my enemies. I'm not sure what to do here."

I laughed despite the pain, "Just hand me some ice chips, please. I'll be alright."

The nurse came and checked me moments later, "You're ten centimeters now. You'll start delivering any moment."

"What?" Ranger gasped, "Where the hell is the doctor?"

The nurse glared at him, "He's on his way, Sir." Ranger glared back and she exited the room quickly.

"At least I can deal with him."

"Relax Ranger," I said through gritted teeth, "He'll be here."

I was pushing within the next ten minutes. The doctor arrived and began dressing as the nurses checked me again. Twenty minutes later I was still pushing.

"We're going to do an episotimy," The doctor explained to Ranger. I'm assuming it was because he was more coherent.

When the scissors came out, I barely flinched. With the frustration and amount of pain I was in, I could care less. When the scissors cut, Ranger just about hit the floor. There goes his macho apperance. Rambo just about fainted over my skin getting cut. His fists were balled up by his side and he was glaring at the doctor. I guess it's lucky he was a doctor, the look in my eyes told me that I wouldn't want to see the results if someone did that to me when it wasn't labour.

Thirty minutes later, I felt a ripping sensation and heard a sound that broke my heart. A small whine came from the table and Ranger's eyes were glistening with tears.

"Carlos, Stephanie," The doctor said, "This is your beautiful baby boy."

Seconds later he was placed in Ranger's arms, "This is the best feeling in the world," Ranger said.

Our little boy, Jacob, looked inquisitively into Ranger's eyes.

I smiled at Ranger, "You know, you've completely ruined your macho appearance."

/The End/


End file.
